On Actors
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
If you’ve read my intro to my website, you know that I tried my hand, or as Strasberg would say, instrument, at acting. Yes, at one point in my life I wanted to be an actor. Then I realized…I’d have to work with actors–bloody hell! Have you ever met these people?
Now don’t get me wrong, I love the sad, broken, coke snorting, bisexual, self-absorbed, always ‘on,’ collagen filled, emotionally infantile, psychologically bar-b-qued little sweethearts. I just wish that, like the equipment, they shut down at the end of the day. Wouldn’t that be cool? When the cameras and lights go out, so do the actors; like robots, they just stand there, immobile and silent until you switch them on the next morning for the new day’s shoot. You’d have to be careful walking through the sound stage so you don’t bump into Leonardo DiCaprio, or you might knock him over. You hear the director say, “Alright, aaaaand ACTION! Wait a minute…oh hell, will someone turn Matt Damon on.”
While they usually have charisma and an ebullient personality it’s really best if you shoot them. Now hold on, I’m not talking cruelty, here. I’m not animal, I’d do it in a humane way. I wouldn’t want the poor things to suffer. Well…okay, Susan Sarandon, she can suffer, but most of them shouldn’t be made to…alright, George Clooney, he can suffer too…Sean Penn, Ben Affleck, Jeanine Garofalo, Jane Fonda–oh the things I could do to Jane Fonda with a fork…anyway, they’re just too full of themselves to be allowed to live. It’s for their own good, really. They’re in such misery, just listen to them. We could call Dr. Kevorkian and have him build us a machine. We’ll just explain to the Humane Society that it’s better this way: “Sorry, gotta’ put’em down, they’ve got that dreaded disease: Acquired Superiority Syndrome, caused by Thespianism. No known cure.” They’ll understand. Hell, they’d probably help us.
I was doing a play once and one of the women, a rather largeish lady, made a somewhat startling statement during a break between set changes. As we were all sitting there, having coffee and talking she blurted out, “I can lick my nipple!” in a loud voice that got everyone’s attention. She then promptly pulled out her right breast and demonstrated this remarkable talent for all of us to see. Of course, everyone but me laughed uproariously. This would be the adult equivalent of a toddler pulling his pants down in an effort to be noticed. To be honest, I felt kind of sorry for her. Clearly, it was her way of being able to compete with the other pretty, slim, and alluring women in the cast the only way she knew how. But what impressed me more than this poor pathetic woman’s antics was the indulgence of the others. There were probably twelve or fifteen of us there, looking at this sad display of insecurity, and I was the only one who didn’t offer validation of her crude and, to grossly understate, ‘inappropriate’ behavior. It seemed to me there were displays of insecurity on t
he part of both performer and spectator alike.
Oh, the humanity!
Now to be fair, not all actors are like this. Some are actually regular, normal people, with regular, normal personalities, and regular, normal management of their private parts. I mean…out of the millions of actors the odds are…surely there must be some…mustn’t there? Yes, of course there are. But they are so rare that you wonder if you’ll ever actually meet one. I must say, I have met a couple of them. But then, I’ve also won the lottery a few times, too. Go figure.
The guys that did Team America (funny movie by the way) said with an unabashed boldness, that they hate actors. Hey, at least they were honest. Most people in movies or TV are always saying what a wonderful person so-and-so is to work with, or “They are so amazing, we’re such good friends, I just love…” blah, blah, blah. But these guys didn’t hold back. They threw a gut punch to all stars and starlettes, without apology. And they should know actors, too. They got to kill several of them, including Jeanine Garofalo and Susan Sarandon. Ah, to dream.
Well, I guess actors are people, too. They’re just very disturbed people. Sick. Disgusting. Perverted, immoral, socialistic, unintelligent, fatuous, hypocritical, pansexual, sub-cutanially penurious, socio-economically corpulent.
They’re good looking, though.
So I suppose we shouldn’t shoot them. I guess they should be allowed to live, if only to give the rest of us fat, balding, lower middle class jealous and artistically somnolent Americans something to gawk at and lust after.
What a country, huh?
Keck
